Somewhere along the way running has stopped being fun. I went from a really big high just a couple of months ago to now struggling to run just 15 straight minutes without struggling. There I said it. It's the truth. Sure I've still logged all my runs but even the ones that were supposed to be "easy" were battles. I don't know how this happened. Well, I sort of do - some big things, a lot of little things and certain words that were spoken to me all compounded together and have done a one over on my psyche. Even when the legs and lungs feel good, I still can't find the focus. And I hate it. It's giving me stress and anxiety and making me hate something that I love.
I've tried everything to fix it. New running routes, new music, no music, new gear - none of it really helped. I've tried repeating mantras but to be honest, they don't really do anything for me. I've read inspirational stories but nothing that I could truly relate to.
At one point I questioned whether I was even physically capable of enduring any type of cardio. This is why I went to a Spin class last week that was taught by one of the toughest instructors I know. It's also why I revisited the Stairmill. I survived both workouts without any problems so I know that I am physically capable.
Today was my regularly scheduled meeting with my therapist. It felt so good to just let everything out. He's the one person I can speak freely to without fear of disappointment or judgment. But he is just as perplexed about this as I am, which I'm not sure is a good thing. But we are going to work together to fix this. One thing I'm going to do again is journaling. It was such a huge help to me when I first started seeing the doc for my insomnia, so hopefully it will help me again.
I may post excerpts from my journal on here, the good and the bad. It's not going to be all happy, happy joy, joy posts because that's not how life is, at least mine isn't. And I need to keep myself in check with my reality. It won't do me any good to sugarcoat anything; perhaps it's one of the ways I got myself into this rut to begin with.
I used to be someone that was strong, confidence and fearless. The person who wasn't afraid of trying new things and was up for any challenge fully believing that I could do it. I need to pull myself together and find this person again. I need to find me.